


Trembling Hands

by Feeltheflame



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Just angst, M/M, POV Alec, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 04:54:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11936742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feeltheflame/pseuds/Feeltheflame
Summary: The aftermath of 2x18 when Magnus walks away.





	Trembling Hands

Alec looked down at his hands and saw them start to tremble. They hadn’t done this since the almost-wedding with Lydia. Where he first truly felt Magnus under his touch as he let himself to kiss him. To hold him in a way he never allowed himself to do with anybody, in a way that felt like his heart was going to give out. How his hands felt around Magnus hips like they were made specifically to just hold him there, hold him close. 

He’s gone now though, like the last note of a song that can still be heard a few seconds after but you can hear that it's ended. A beautiful melody that has reached an end without the ability to restart, he’s gone. Walked out without so much of a glance until the doors closed behind him.  
And Alec’s hands start to tremble. Of course, they’d begun once the uttered “can’t have both” had reached his ears. Just like clockwork his hands started shaking slightly, unnoticeable. However the shakiness had exhilarated and he started to see blurry. His breath hitches as if his lungs forgot to inhale air, and they did. He moves around trying to make something out of his space, what’s surrounding him.

He knows he’s in the Institute, outside of Max’s medical room. He hadn’t left his spot, he knows that much but everything looks like it closing in and even if he tried, the place looks like spots of colors that he can’t make out of as shapes. He knows this place like the back of his hand, but with his senses lost he feels useless. So trying to use his instinct he goes to the left where he’s fairly sure the door to Max’s room is. 

As he walks, his legs wobble and he knows he’s walking on solid floor but somehow it feels like the ground is going to shatter and he’s going to drown. His legs feel heavy, he notices. They are difficult to move, they feel as if they were asleep, but don’t hurt to walk in as if they were though.  
When he reaches the door that lead him into the room, he fumbles with the doorknob. Not as if it were lock but more as if he couldn’t quite grasp it. His hands feel weak and his hands slides around the doorknob returning back to the side of his body. He gives it several tries but with each following attempt he can feel himself being drained of energy, so he stops trying.

He starts to feel raindrops on his cheeks and his vision is heavily impacted because he starts seeing black dots form where the color once was turning his stream of colors into undistinguished blobs. He can’t see, not anymore, not to be able to distinguish something and he can feel his chest is about to explode. It feels tight and uncomfortable and he’s fairly sure he’s not breathing. 

He can feel himself becoming dizzy and when his feet are about to give out, he reaches out to a nearby table to steady himself but his arms are weaker than his hands so he falls, rather easily and harshly to the floor. He’s not sure if anybody noticed or even if they might’ve heard him since his ears are ringing. 

He think he hears a door opening but he’s not quite sure until someone raises his head to their lap. His eyelids are half close, but even if they had been open he’d still see a nothing. He feels a hand on his neck and another one by his wrist, both pressing against his skin at the same time or in a short period of time, he’s not quite sure. 

The hands feel warm against his skin and he tries to focus on the feeling of warmth that the hands are providing, but the hands move away before he succeeds. His breathing hasn’t improved but it hadn’t worsen, so Alec considers that as a good sign. The hands are back now, one is going through his hair but the other one is firmly placed on his chest, slightly to the left.  
“Alec, breathe” a voice faintly says. He does as he’s told but has trouble complying to the command. 

“You’re okay, Alec. You’re completely safe” the voice says softly, near his ear so it seem so faint and so far away. The hand on his chest hasn’t moved but the person’s thumb is rubbing circles around his heart. 

“Focus on my thumb, okay? See if that makes it easier for you to breathe” the voice says in a calm and soothing voice and Alec complies. “I know you need to focus on something for anything to work” the voice says in a fondly teasing way that sounds so familiar. 

“I-Izzy?” he croaks out, which causes a burn to pass down his throat entering his chest which makes him feel uneasy. 

“It’s okay, big brother. It’s alright, I’m here and this isn’t going to last forever. You think you can handle this a while longer?” Alec unwillingly to speak again, simply nodded.  
After a while of hearing Izzy’s soothing voice and focusing on feeling on his chest, he could feel himself breathe a little easier, raindrops were still falling on his face but he let them be unable to do anything about them. 

When he could breathe normally, his eyesight was better. Some parts were still blurry but he could make stuff out, like the outline of Izzy’s rune, this continued until he was able to look at her straight in the face and saw her eyes filled with concern.  
In an attempt to understand what was going on around him, he asked her if raindrops had been falling on her cheeks too. When she told him as she cleaned one of his cheeks that he had been crying.

She explained to him, he had experienced a panic attack. She said it meant he was feeling some sort of intense fear or worry about something. She also said that while some could happen spontaneously, some could’ve also been provoked. 

When she asked him what happened, he didn’t know how to explain to her that he wasn’t sure what exactly happened. He remember blurs and feeling utterly broken and devastated. He remembers sorrow and heartache but most importantly he remembers Magnus.  
He looked at her general direction, unable to meet her eyes, because his own felt heavy with sadness as exhaustion filled his entire body. He told her, in a whisper.

_“I think I lost him”_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! Thanks for reading my very first fic and I hope you liked it!


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